Your brand.
My ass.
Ever heard the term “Sell your ass”, well — in today’s internet craze, I’m going to do exactly that, sell the real estate of my ass to the highest bidders. Nine advertisement placements, sold to the highest bidder, and applied as a tattoo for two weeks. If you’re outbid, your tattoo is removed, and replaced with my new owner.
Every placement is buyable, including the ones already wearing somebody's logo. Tap one.
Left Prime Cheek
The Times Square of my ass.
This one has closed.
Nobody wanted it. I am choosing not to take that personally.
Full rate card
All prices AUD. All placements on one man.
| Placement | Tier | Size | Bids | Standing bid | Closes | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
The Tramp Stamp The most historically regrettable postcode on the human body. | Prime | 40 × 14 cm | 0 | no bids | — | |
Left Love Handle Soft, generous, and completely yours. | Standard | 18 × 7 cm | 0 | no bids | — | |
Right Love Handle Identical to the left one. I am symmetrical, thank you. | Standard | 18 × 7 cm | 0 | no bids | — | |
Left Prime Cheek The Times Square of my ass. | Prime | 18 × 14 cm | 0 | no bids | — | |
Right Prime Cheek The other Times Square. Same rent, better lighting. | Prime | 18 × 14 cm | 0 | no bids | — | |
Left Sit Bone Absorbs eight hours of office chair a day. Your logo will know suffering. | Standard | 18 × 10 cm | 0 | no bids | — | |
Right Sit Bone As above, but it takes slightly more of my weight. Sorry. | Standard | 18 × 10 cm | 0 | no bids | — | |
Left Undercarriage Cheap, and cheap for a very obvious reason. | Bargain | 20 × 11 cm | 0 | no bids | — | |
Right Undercarriage The cheapest thing on this website, including my dignity. | Bargain | 20 × 11 cm | 0 | no bids | — |
How this works
It is a real auction, with real money, on a real ass.
Three steps. None of them are a metaphor.
Pick a cheek
Nine placements, priced honestly by how many human beings will realistically see them. Some are prime real estate. One of them is, frankly, the underside of a thigh, and it is priced like it.
Pay, and hold your nerve
You pay your bid there and then — the full amount, not a deposit. It is not refunded when somebody outbids you, because what you bought was the time your logo actually spent on me, and you got it. Bid in the last five minutes and the clock gets pushed out, so nobody takes a placement off you by having better wifi.
I get tattooed. Immediately.
Your logo goes on as soon as you pay — you do not wait for the auction to end. Two weeks is the most it can stay there, and it is less than that if somebody outbids you, at which point it comes off and theirs goes on. The website is the part that lasts: it stays up for a year, with your name against every placement you held.
Media kit
The numbers, presented with a straight face.
Every out-of-home media pack you have ever been sent was this confident and had less evidence.
Total addressable inventory. There are no competing asses in this market, so share of voice is a clean 100%.
A number I made up with complete confidence, in the proud tradition of every out-of-home media pack ever sent. The difference is I am telling you.
The ceiling, not the promise. Somebody outbids you and it comes off early — that is the entire game.
The tattoo is temporary. The receipt is not: this page stays up for a year with your logo on the placement you bought.
Questions
Things people ask, immediately.
Is this real?
Disturbingly so. The internet is full of idiots, I’ve built consultancies, so now the next step is to brand my ass…
Is it a permanent tattoo?
No. Temporary, and two weeks is the ceiling — less if somebody outbids you first. The lasting part is this website, which stays up for a year with your logo sitting on the placement you paid for.
Do I get proof?
Weekly timestamped photographs. Of my ass. With your logo on it. You are, right now, seriously considering buying this. Sit with that for a second.
What happens if I get outbid?
Your tattoo comes off and theirs goes on, and you keep your place in the record on this website for the year it stays up. You are not refunded, and I want to be completely unambiguous about that: the payment bought the time your logo spent on me, and it spent it.
Can I buy all nine placements?
You can, and I would very much like you to. You would become the sole sponsor of an entire human backside, which is a sentence no marketing department has ever put in a quarterly report.
Can my logo be bigger than the placement?
No. This is a rate card, not a negotiation. The sizes are printed next to the prices for exactly this reason.
Where does the money go?
The tattoos, the photography, the hosting, and a holiday I have been putting off for two years. The holiday will also be photographed. Your logo will be there. (For the final bidders).
What if nobody bids on my favourite cheek?
Then it goes unsold, and I will spend the rest of the campaign quietly wondering what was wrong with it. Do not let this happen.